Rabid Slash Fans
by TruestBlue
Summary: Harry Potter and Co. have written the Rabid Slash Fans some letters regarding their work! Who says what about the wonderful world of slash and HarryDraco fandom? So far: Harry, Draco, Hermione, Ron, Blaise,Pansy,Ginny
1. Harry

**Author's Note: Random plot came into my head. **

**At church.**

**I felt really guilty. Heh. Oh well; I'm going to hell. Anyways, Harry just wanted to tell you something. Here we go.

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**

_Dear Rabid Slash Fans;_

_My hair is not 'ebony,' _

'_shaggily shaggy,'_

_or even 'black.'_

_It's dark brown. And it's just as normal as the next guy's._

_(Who Happens to Be Zabini. _

_Crazy son-of-a-bitch stole my sugar quill yesterday.)_

_My eyes are not 'emerald,'_

_or 'blue-green, like the ocean on a perfectly clear day.'_

_Nor are they 'passionately vibrant.'_

_They're just green. _

_Kind of a muddy green, as a matter of fact. _

_They don't get any prettier with fame. _

_My body is not 'lithe' and my skin is not _

'_tanned an olive-brown hue from many long hours of playing quidditch in the blistering sun.'_

_And just to set the record straight, I do not have _

'_gloriously defined pectorals that shimmer in the moonlight of the astronomy tower at night.' _

_I'm just a pale, English, somewhat lanky teenager. _

_And I swear to Merlin I caught flab on my arm the other day,_

_Even if Draco swears up and down he couldn't see it. _

_Which leads me to my next point. _

_Draco Malfoy is a Wizard. Not a Vela. _

_Nor is he a vampire, Greek god,_

_(Adonis? Come on.)_

_Or having 'torrid incestuous affairs with his father.' _

_He is simply a Slytherin._

_(Albeit a hot one)_

_An arrogant, attractive teen. _

_Surely you have those at your schools. _

_You probably dated one too. _

_So you have no right to judge, now do you?_

_So next time you write or read about the_

'_icily sexy blonde Adonis seemingly floating through the hallways of Hogwarts'_

_Or even the_

'_Smoldering emerald eyes belonging to the Savior of the Wizarding World, blazing with lust and endless desire,'_

_I just want you to keep in mind that Draco and I have a perfectly healthy,_

_Not emo wrist-cutter, but,_

_A perfectly healthy relationship. _

_And we're kind of trying to keep it quiet._

_So if you don't mind,_

_Can you hold off on the slash until the war is over?_

_It's kind of distracting, as it gets Draco off. _

_You can imagine trying to choose between saving the world _

_And getting head from Draco Malfoy. _

_Don't make me choose; I know what I'll pick. _

_Hornily Yours,_

_Harry J. Potter_

_P.S.: Besides. Hermione's starting to catch on, anyhow._

_I think she likes it.

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_

**Author's Note: Haha, If you were expecting usual TruestBlue stuff, sorry you're disappointed. I did end my first big story, though, 'Call it a Love Story'. Go to my profile, check it out, review. I'm trying to get 200 reviews!**

**And review this, too, while you're at it.**

**Have a wonderful day,**

**True**


	2. Draco

**A/N: A couple folks felt Draco was being left out! So Draco's back to apologize for Harry. And tell us a few things that get is goat as well…

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**

Dear Rabid Slash Fans;

I'm writing to you this evening to discuss a serious matter.

It has come to my attention that my boyfriend has written you a letter.

Yes, my boyfriend.

Who seems to think his eyes are muddy and not vibrant,

That his skin is pale and note 'olive toned,'

And that his hair isn't perfectly shaggy.

I'm going to have to disagree with him there. His eyes are perfectly clear,

He's not…

…Okay, he's a little pale. But you seemed to like it plenty on me.

And his hair is so gloriously thick I would daresay it's shaggily shaggy.

As side note, I want to clear some things up right away.

Those of you with pen names like

'ImaMalfoy'

Or 'DracoIsMyLoveerrrrr'

Or 'IfIWereInSlytherinDracoMalfoyWouldBeMineAndIWouldFuckHisBrainsOutAndDemandThatHarryPotterAndUsHaveALustyThreesome'

I'm terribly sorry to tell you,

(Well, I'm not really, but it sounded polite)

That I'm quite happy with Harry and don't intend to take a 'Mrs. Malfoy' anytime soon

Or ever.

And it certainly would not be a muggle.

All you muggles are good for is writing stories that get me off.

And writing stories about me getting off, and incidentally getting Harry off.

I think slash is quite lovely.

However, there are some topics that come to my attention in commonly occurring 'Drarry'

(Heh! We have a title!) Stories.

Call it construsctive criticism.

My hair is not silver. It's blonde. Are you colorblind?

I'm classically beautiful. And people with sliver hair are in no means classic.

Therefore, that means that I cannot possibly have

'slick, perfect locks with an almost metallic hue that matches that of my eyes'

But I thank you for your compliments. I understand your need to idolize someone as beautiful as myself.

I try and try to find a good slash story.

And there are several out there.

But they all seem to say the same thing: there are quite a few stories with the same plot.

It's not fair to you if I do not clarify my meaning. Behold: the mighty cliché list.

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1) 

Harry and I are trapped in a four-sided figure somehow, with no possibility of timely escape. (i.e.: elevators, CLOSETS, rooms(requirement))

_Example: "I BEGAN TO REALIZE THAT WE WOULD NOT SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY FOR SEVERAL HOURS. I PROCEEDED TO MAKE OUT WITH THE BOY WHO LIVED OUT OF BOREDOME AND PURE PENT-UP SEXUAL TENSION THAT FLIED BETWEEN US EVERYDAY."_

_2)_

Harry and I discover that we are unavoidably and endlessly bound together in a bond of sexual love. (i.e.: veelas, potion/spell mix-ups and/or backfires, magical creatures, vampires, or love potions.)

_EXAMPLE: "AT DAWN THE MORNING OF HIS 17TH BIRTDAY, DRACO MALFOY WAS INEXPLICABLY AND HOPLESSLY IN LUST WITH THE BOY WHO LIVED. HE PROCEDED TO SNIFF HIM OUT AND FUCK HIM IN AN INNAPROTRIATE TIME AND PLACE. AND HARRY LIKED IT. BECAUSE HE'S KINKY LIKE THAT."_

_3)_

We are somehow coerced into a sexual situation by our peers, authorities, or family members. (ie: truth or dare, parties, magical bonding for the original purpose of defeating Voldemort, or a bet that we cannot refuse)

_EXAMPLE: "'ZABINI, IT'S YOUR TURN' RON SAID. BLAISE SMIRKED IN AN EVIL FASHION BEFORE GIVING HARRY HIS DARE. 'I DARE YOU TO GIVE DRACO A LAP DANCE. FOR 10 MINUTES. AND LIKE IT. BECAUSE YOU'RE KINKY LIKE THAT.'"_

_4)_

One of us sets out to destroy the other romantically or socially, and ends up falling in love with subject of torture. Similar plot also used. Tied in with this one: We realize that our constant need to bicker is really unresolved sexual tension. (i.e.: bets, pranking wars, seduce-and-then-crush-their-vulnerable-heart-song-and-dance, unavoidable bets, lame excuses for leading the other on, picking fights, shoving up against a wall and kissing, pinning hands above head and kissing, pushing to the ground and straddling)

_EXAMPLE: "'I KNOW!' DRACO CRIED. 'I'LL SEDUCE POTTER, SET HIM UP! HOW EBARASSED HE WILL BE WHEN HE FALLS IN LOVE WITH ME AND I PROCEDE TO DELCLARE HIS STUPIDITY TO OCCUPANTS OF THE GREAT HALL! MUAHAHA! LITTLE DO I KNOW AT THIS TIME I WILL BE UNABLE TO FOLLOW THROUGH WITH MY LITTLE PLOY, DUE TO INCONVINIENT FEELINGS OF LOVE FOR HARRY!'"_

_5)_

Songfics. (i.e.; anything where lyrics to a song by evanescence comes in. or any angsty song. And makes NO sense in the context of the story.)

EXAMPLE: _"OH, HARRY! WE CAN NEVER BE TOGETHER!" (**Oh, there's gonna be a day where we can hold each other close, yeah)**_

_"OH, BUT DRACO HOW CAN WE DENY OUR LOVE!?! NOT EVEN THE DARK LORD CAN STOP US NOW!" (**And I loved you, and I thought you loved me and all my emo goodness, and what was on the inside. I won't, don't, never care for them, about them, I only, only, only, only, it was only ever, only ever you, you, you, you, youuuu, boy! It was only ever youuuuuuuuu)**_

**_6)_**

We are totally wasted.

_EXAMPLE: "'DRACO, I LIKE CHOCOLATE FROGS!"_

"'_THEY'RE QUITE NICE, AREN'T THEY? LIKE BUTTERBEER!"_

""_YES. BUT NOT AS CRAZY-MAKING"_

"_TRUE. I'M SO WASTED RIGHT NOW! BECAUSE OF BUTTERBEER, THAT TASTES LIKE CHOCOLATE FROGS!'''_

"'_ME TOO, YOU WANKER!"_

"_HA!"_

"'…"'

"'…"

"_LET'S FUCK!!!"_

"_OKAY!"_

-end list-

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In closing, I would just like to comment that while I love the… nature of your perfectly perfect Drarry stories, spice it up. Add a little drama. Or add an original plot. If your plot's not original, you might as well just do the written porn stuff.

Forever Reading Slash While Sucking Harry Off,

Draco Malfoy

P.S.: About that written porn, I was in no way saying it was a bad thing…

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**A/N: Haha, just poking fun. NO OFFENSE to anyone running a story like this, it's just a joke. I know I'm guilty of a couple clichés myself, just as I was of those lines in the last part (haha, where do you think I got them?). So don't flame me or take anything at all personally. **

**True**


	3. Hermione

**A/N: So some people love it, and some people don't. 32 reviews is probably the most reviews I've gotten with 2 chapters.  I think I'll give this another go, as I can't seem to stop. This will probably be the last one. But then again, I said that last time! I can't think of anything else to write about. I want to credit to Spirit's Whisper for helping me think of an idea presented here!!!**

**I'm going to try this in real paragraph form for 2 reasons. **

**1) I think the author of this letter would write it that way, and 2) I got a review saying the way I formatted my stories is distracting. I suppose it's true; I'd never thought about it. I'm a poet-gone-slash-writing, so I'm not so great with story format. I'll try for you, ReviewsGalore!!!**

**Onwards!**

**Oh wait! About the first chapter. I know Harry really does have black hair, I promise. I just couldn't' figure out a better way to poke fun at how we as slash readers describe his 'lusty locks of ebony' **

**And I understand some of you may like a couple of the ships in this part. This isn't all my opinion, remember? It's a story? **

**Now, here we go!

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**

_Dear Fellow Rabid Slash Fans;_

_It seems that Harry and Draco have become aware of my enthusiastic participation in the slash world. They told me that they'd written letters and posted them on fanfiction! How positively wild! I just had to join in the fun. I read said letters, and while I agree with most of their observations, I'd like to add a couple of mine as well. _

_What irked me the most while reading some of your fanfictions was blatant disregard for grammar and basic English. There are some basic errors made._

_Run-on sentences. (example: "Harry kissed Draco before looking deep into his clearly and echantinly emerald eyes that were melting with lust and passion and desire so Draco decided to make sweet luuuurrrv to him under the full moon and he jumped forward to grab the BoyWhoLive'd crotch' )_

_Misspelled words and incorrect verb use/tense. Commentary: I don't even see why this is an issue. Anywhere you can upload fanfiction, I'm sure there is a decent spell-checker. And I've heard Muggles have this 'internet' or 'interweb' business where you can get stuff like that. (Example: ' Tteh boys seen tteh phoeeonix rising out of the ashees, and then dey made sweet lurrrv underneaf the moun.' )_

_Poorly/Incorrectly structured or awkward sentences. (Example: Draco said to Harry "Where did you go" and Harry only just shrugged and then didn't look him in the eyes that were really clear and pretty.")_

_Lack of punctuation and/or capital letters.( Example: harry said to draco that he loved him and stuff so they went to hog warts school again and saw hagrids house and hagrid talking to snape and mister malfoy who kind of looked upset because maybe they knew about the boys relationship and now it could never be good between them)_

_Comma-craze (Example: harry, the boy who lived, was really, very happy, and looked at Draco through his deep, clear, perfect, sensitive emerald eyes, and sighed to himself, because he knew they could never, ever, ever be together, except after the war, or in death.)_

_6) Poor Word Choice: You tell me what sounds better: "Harry was really surprised to see Draco lying naked in his bed," or "Harry dropped his books upon entering his room. His eyes traveled slowly up and down; from pale feet to those expressive grey eyes underneath arched brows. 'Draco's never given up the Malfoy smirk,' Harry mused as he eyed all the skin on his mattress." Yeah. 'Nuff said. _

_Poorly written slash makes me think of poorly written essays. What's the first thing that comes to mind with poorly written essays? First years. And no one wants (or, hopefully not) to read porn written by a 12 year old. Because 12-year-olds are not sexy. They're a mood killer if I ever saw one. Maybe I should change my cause from house elves to under-educated Muggles. _

_There are a couple more problems with slash. I adore Harry/Draco, but some of you have the most perverted ideas of ships. _

_Harry/Voldemort: What's wrong with you? Have you not been paying any attention? Maybe you missed something vital. Like the fact that Voldemort is the DARK LORD and Harry is the BOY WHO LIVED???_

_Ron/Draco: keep your nasty, slash obsessed little hands off of my boyfriend, got it? That goes for Ron/Blaise too! (TB: I ADORE THAT PAIRING)_

_Fred/George: Twincest? This is where we're crossing the 'weird' line._

_Harry/Snape: Harry and Snape? Snape's mi-_

_I mean, my potions teacher. It's wrong. look of discomfort Moving on! I have one last thing to say._

_Draco would not cry over flowers, call anything (except Harry) cute, wear fishnets, or a shirt with a unicorn that declares, "HORNY!" Harry would not kill off innocent people, join/screw the Dark Lord, Hate Dumbledore, put on eyeliner, or tight leather trousers. It's simply not who they are. So when an author on ff creates a story in which the characters are so different, they're not even remotely similar, it takes away effect. Just because they look the same, doesn't mean they are. But some of you don't keep that the same, either. But whatever. I suppose it's just for fun. _

_So, slash readers, I bid you all farewell. Continue in your endeavors towards the perfect Drarry story. Maybe I'll write one of my own sometime. _

_Decidedly Satisfied, _

_Hermione Granger _

_P.S.: For Merlin's Sake, stop making Harry pole dance!_

_**

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**_A/N: haha, not as good, I know. But whatever. 3 seemed like a good number. Review lots! I'm so happy with the reception of this fic. Also, tell me if I should stop here, or try to keep it up. If I kept going, we'd hear from Ron, (who's just funny), maybe Snape, Narcissa, Voldie… I'd think of someone. Let me know_**

_**True**_


	4. Ron

A/N: I've been instructed to continue this!  so here we have it. If you have any suggestions; things that irritate you, clichés, grammar, anything- just review/pm me and tell me! I'll give you credit, of course. It's hard to keep thinking of things once I let them all out in the first 3 chaps!

But whatever. Here's chapter 4! Review it! I'm so excited! Almost 55 reviews!!! And I didn't think this would go over well…

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Dear Rabid Slash Fans;

Apparently, the slash world thinks I'm a dick. I wouldn't scream or try and turn our family against Harry if he came out. Ginny would not hold a grudge: she saw it coming. Dude, I knew the kid was gay before he did. When he did come out, I laughed at him, asked him if he thought he was keeping it a secret. He said that ff authors thought I would resent it. Imagine that! Believing what a ff author says…

That's one of my main points: taking fanfiction too seriously. Reviews that say things like,

"**_I hate you. You have not read the books: it's obvious. Harry's map is IVORY not OFF-WHITE! DUH! Who makes an error like that, you stupid shit?"_**

kind of give me the willies. I don't think Harry even knows that stuff. (Then, he's kind of oblivious, though.) FanFiction is flattering, but worshiping us down to the smallest detail? We're breaching creepy. Isn't it all just for fun anyway? Maybe I'm confused about the whole point of this website…

There's another thing about reviews. 'flames.' Who the hell does that?

'**_Ur GoNnA Go To HeLl FoR Ur SiNs And ShIt 'CuS GaYs R BaD PEoPlEs, AnD ThEy SeRiOsLy ArE MaRkEd By CaIn LiKe ThEm NEgRoS! Ur JuSt As BaD aS tHeM, FuCkErRrR!'_**

If it's so bad, why the fuck are you sitting around, wasting your time reading and reviewing it? Is it simply because you as a flamer are little insecure about your own orientation and tend to take it out on other people? Most of them don't even have the balls to sign in, or create an account. They go on and read the stories, ignoring the dozens of warnings the author tacks up in various parts of the story and summary. They just feel guilty 'cus they like it and want someone to blame. So slash writers, hold true: those antagonizing flamers are just homophobic closet cases just waiting to run away and elope to the Philippines with a male stripper named Dominick. Just you wait. You'll see.

That leads me to my next point: if flamers are closet cases, what are all the females who post slash fan fiction? They're (most likely) **not** gay! Who was the idiot that said that females who enjoy slash are lesbians? Does that make any kind of sense? Two guys 1 girl? Since when? Doesn't that mean that the girls are twice as straight as usual? That's FEMSLASH you're thinking of, dumbass: get off the 'net! I know about femslash: I read a lot of it.

(What can I say? I'm straight after all. Except when TruestBlue says I'm not and coerces me into a relationship with Blaise because she thinks it's adorable and tells me to like it. The boy can give great head; it's true.)

I'm doing this for Hermione. There are rumors about her and Pansy… whenever I ask she says she 'can't grace that with an answer.' It worries me.

Harry and Draco have been through some hard shit together: not fun at all. I understand that for a basic short story plot there has to be a conflict of some kind, and maybe even character death for the purpose of making a point. But I don't see why some slash authors keep them absolutely miserable for chapters on end. Some stories they're constantly down, thinking of suicide, being bitter and volatile and moody and a mean kind of sarcastic. Who wants to read that? Who wants to write it? Isn't there enough suffering in the world for you already? I'm not talking about sad instances necessarily, but why would you want them to be desperately unhappy? Then the authors wonder why they don't get a lot of reviews. Maybe we see enough constant human suffering in the real world we don't want to open our laptops and read some of the fictional variety, too.

Yes, I know what you're thinking. '_Wow, that's really deep for Ron. What the hell is TruestBlue doing?'_ Well, JKR is slowly taking away my childish innocence and naivety, and making the tone and mood of the books much darker these days. Blame the emos.

But, whatever. The point was, lighten up. It's fanfiction. That will make the sad events seem sadder, too.

Okay, slash fans. Are you tired of getting ragged on? I'll tell you some things I do like about what you do.

UST- Unresolved Sexual Tension. In the context of HPDM, or any Gryffindor/Slytherin stuff, it's a believable and useful tool for a writer to use. Draco would not hate Harry one day and love him the next. Let it build up, or at least give a sudden occurrence reasoning and motif. Plus, it can be hot. (what? I'm not a homophobe. I'm aware of how things make me feel!)

I love it when you make Draco the diva. Not only does it really piss him off, it's completely true when he's around his friends. Before they went out, he was trying to prove he was masculine to Harry. Doesn't work so much anymore. Harry saw through it in the first place.

It's funny when one of them doesn't want the other. It makes the chase so much more interesting, seeing the other's planning. Plus, it's easier on the writer as they don't have to make up conflicts for an already happy couple. That's a one-way-street to clichés.

Harry being devious is nice. He's a little cunning, and charming, too. The guy was almost sorted into Slytherin: there had to be a reason.

Keeping the essence of 'forbidden' in some way or another is essential. Otherwise, the couple looses the appeal. Don't make it **_too_** easy on them, heh.

Overall guys? Nice work, keep it up. Just stay happy, positive and keep a sense of humor and you'll keep writing some great slash.

Contentedly yours,

Ronald Weasley.

P.S.: And keep the femslash coming, would you? For me? And my not-so-little-friend down here with me?

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AN: hehe! Okay, there's the letter from Ron! Vote and tell me who you want to hear from next, okay? And give me any ideas you have! Review this fic! I'm amazed: it's already my 3rd best-reviewed fic at 3 chapters! Me likey!

That was a hell of a lot of exclaimation points...

See you next chapter!

TruestBlue


	5. Blaise

A/N: heeh, here we go with a brand new chapter! I love all these reviews. I think it's hilarious that I can use every single fanfiction cliché and have an 'original' fic. Keep reviewing!!! I love you guys. This is beating out my 2nd biggest/most reviewed story, 'Almost'. Keep it up!This chapter is a bit more… sensitive than the others. But I'm pleased to report we're back to the Slytherins! Blaise Zabini, take it away!!!

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Dear Rabid Slash Fans;

So, the way I see it, there's only one thing left to decide about Harry/Draco slash: who gets what position during sex? It's the immortal question, 'who the hell is the sub in their relationship?'.

Some stories say they switch around each time. Their personalities are both strong, and they've fought for dominance in a platonic way before. It's a good theory, and likely, due to the past the two boys have with each other. However, if I see one more _'their lips battled for dominace,_' in a fic, I'll kill something. And heaven forbid it be one of them. No more slash for you.

Some fics feature Draco as the smaller, weaker, and therefore submissive partner. But some portray his sly, manipulative self and make him a rather hot Dom. I've seen everything from;

'_Draco peered up into the perfect emerald eyes of his lover and fixed him with a come hither smirk. "I want you," he whispered, "To fuck me right here and now."'_

To

"_Draco smirked down at his lover with cocky assurance. He leaned over, whispering gently into Harry's ears. The fluid motion exuding control sent shivers down Harry's spine, and he had to bite his lip to keep from groaning. "You want me," Draco concluded, "To take you right here and now." _

All three have their finer and believable points.

But then we've got Harry. Either he's the petite, naïve young boy with a little experience,(submissive) or he's the almost-Slytherin-charming-self-assured man with quite a bit of luck with the ladies. (dominant)

Or is it ladies? That's another thing. Some authors claim that the boys are straight, and just have a thing for each other. Some say they're bi. Stories claim that it took the other man to make them recognize their orientation, or come out of the closet. In other places, they've both known it for their whole lives. Which is it? **I'll never tell.** I like to keep you guessing. And there are some entirely amusing and incorrect guesses out there.

But there was once a story that almost got it exactly right, give or take a few details. I was freaked for days, thinking it might be Ron or something. But the sex was too hot for that. He's too straight to write good gay sex. Kind of a shame, really. He's a cutie.

But about the sex. Dom, Subs, every story has them. But what about the other stuff? The dirty stuff? The downright risqué stuff?

Like the kinky shit with all the handcuffs and scarves. Some fanfiction writers seem to have a fixation with the boys tying each other up with each other's house ties…

…Whatever floats your boat, I suppose. Foot fetishes, slash, pool sex, doctor+patient, nurses, school teachers and students, boss+employee, psychologist+psychopath, general roleplay, sex on a broom! All of that; I've read about Harry and Draco doing.

Except 'water sports'. I've read about it, don't misunderstand. It's just that **I **don't understand. It's possibly the grossest thing I've ever heard off. PISSING on people?!? How is that water? Or a sport? And how is that fun? As if the smell of semen weren't enough, now we're going to add piss to the mess? Somehow, pissing on someone does not symbolize love to me. Just a thing. People claim it's euphoric, but I still don't see the pleasure in human urine. More specifically, wizard urine. Is that better or worse?

But enough about that; their families. Or in Harry's case, the Weasley family. I read a fanfiction that claimed Arthur and Molly forbade Harry to ever enter their home again! Imagine!

"_Harry. You stupid fag! I don't care if you're the savior of the wizzarding world, may ultimately save my family, and have been an honorary Weasley for years! You like men! How unnatural! You're out for good, you homo!" _

Likely? I think not.

And Draco. He's actually loved by his family, believe it or not. So I can't see

"_Draco. You stupid fag! I don't care that you're the only heir to the Malfoy name, you're our only, beloved child, and are an essential tool to either the light or the dark, whichever you may choose! You're a man! Men aren't meant to be fucked by other men! Out you go; we're kicking you to the curb!"_

Yeah, okay, so they put it in more eloquent words. But I got the point, didn't I? It sounded a little fishy to me.

Whatever. Slash writers: make sure to write believable situations and characters. Think carefully if the response is natural before you post. Before they came out, some of it made Harry and Draco quite unnerved. And think through the dom/sub situation. The question is still, as far as I can tell, eternal. They sure as hell won't tell me. (You know how Harry gets, blushing and all.)

Honestly,

Blaise Zabini

P.S.: Could you maybe take a break from HPDM for awhile and let me have some fun? I need some man too, you know! A little Seamus or Dean? RON would be nice, too. Or Pansy: she almost counts as a man anyhow.

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AN: Hmmm… I'm looking at my suggestions list. I'm getting a lot of Snapes. And Dumbie's and Voldemorts. Snape might be next, so stay tuned! PLEASE REVIEW. I want to beat out Call it a Love Story eventually. Yeah, that's right: I compete with myself. How lame is that?

You know what's coming: suggestions? Got anything that annoys you in slash culture? Send it to me! Just a sentence worth. And REVIEW AND TELL ME WHEN TO STOP! When reviews start dwindling, I assume no one is reading and will stop. So if you don't want that, speak up!

TB


	6. Snape

A/N: Woah! 98 reviews! Dude, I'm honored!!! To prove it to you, I'm writing the wildly requested Snape chapter! Yay! Be sure and tell me what you want... and when this is getting old. I'm having fun, though!

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Dear Rabid Slash Freaks;

I'm writing to those so far below me to express my genuine distaste. Don't you know pedophilia is a rather serious offense? What is so deeply crooked in your Muggle minds that you would pair me with one of my students? And just my luck; it's usually a Gryffindor. I figure I'm going to have to pound what exactly I mean into your small and somewhat inferior brains. Let's begin.

There are several pairings of myself and one Harry Potter. The boy cannot even stir a potion correctly: how do you expect him be a lover? Especially a lover for the likes of myself. Not that I care to discuss my requirements for a lover; as that's deeply personal and therefore none of your business.

As for myself and Draco Malfoy, I'm appalled and surprised by the accusation. The boy is my Godson. Besides, everyone knows that he and Mr. Potter are quite happy and monogamous, as much as it pains me to say.

On that note, I have a small pet peeve to discuss with the writers of 'slash' fiction. I do not care to know the graphic details of my students love lives. I'm not the deeply caring and concerned family friend and teacher some of your stories make me out to be. I really just don't care. I do not need to know that my Godson 'gives good head,' that Ronald Weasley is 'hung like a horse,' or that Mr. Zabini 'plays for both teams.' In fact, the very idea repulses me so much; I was forced to block the internet from my classroom. As much as it disgusts me, there are some students who can find nothing more interesting to do with their time than read such… works. It's proven quite a distracting habit for the academic quality of my class.

I would prefer not to specify the nature of my relationship with Miss Granger, as it is my right to remain silent.

Even in your 'fanfictions' when I'm not paired with anyone, I've noticed several clichés regarding the Potion's Master of Hogwarts. I have a few requests.

Please stop mentioning the fact that my robes 'billow.' We're all quite aware of the fact; you don't need to add that little line everywhere you mention my name. Robes are robes; mine only billow as much as the next person's.

My hair is not greasy: it's gelled. I'll have you know that Mr. Malfoy and I use the same product line. You never complain about him. In fact, you compliment him quite often.

I am not prissy, and I do wish you'd stop portraying me as such. And I would never giggle.

I would also not hesitate to kill anyone who refers to me as 'Sev' or 'Sevvie.' Please keep that fact in mind the next time your perverted, tainted little fingers grasp your laptop after you've been inspired. Or, as you say, 'a plot bunny hit you.'

That being said, I have better things to do than continue writing this letter. I expect that my demands will be met and you will think twice before calling me 'Sevvie' in the near future.

Severus Snape, Potions Master

P.S.: If you do indeed hear from Miss Granger, tell her to come to the Potion's room immediately as there is an assignment we need to… discuss…

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A/N: Short, I know. But I wasn't very inspired. I feel a good one coming. Maybe Voldie or Ginny or Pansy. Haven't decided. Let me know! Oh, and this chapter I dedicate to Black Eyed Wicca, for her many helpful comments and her friendship! (cheesy tear)

TruestBlue


	7. Pansy

Dear Rabid Slash Fans;

Let's talk about sex. REALISTICALLY. It's one of my main pet peeves in slash fiction: people who aren't at all realistic about the potentially steamy Harry/Draco sex. They have the boys screw in somewhat disgusting places. They often times make the boys say cheesy or outright vile things. And if I see one more fic about Harry or Draco getting raped, I'll kill you. All.

As for location; not only make it realistic; but hot. Draco would not screw in the Forbidden Forest. It's a well known fact the place creeps him out. And he might ruin his hair and robes. I'm sick and tired of sex scenes in closets. Harry told me they'd read the storyline so much they tried it out themselves. They laughed so hard about the irony of two outed gay guys doing it _in _a closet, they forgot why they went in the first place. Empty classrooms? Way overused. It's like: _'Harry and Draco stumbled into a conveniently abandoned classroom!' _Yeah-huh. No. Room of Requirement? Same deal.

Draco and Harry would not screw in public. Malfoys' have pride. Harry has shame, and a shyer side. So a storyline involving them in the great hall or a common room? Not going to work out.

When the boys are performing sexual acts on one another, a slash author can ruin the whole thing with just one line. You can have a ridiculously hot moment, and kill it _with _

'_I want you inside me,'_ or

'_Oh, Merlin, you're so big!'_

'_Oh God …'You can call me Harry.'_

Or even, _'That is NOT my wand, Harry!!!'_

Another thing: how long are you going to keep the sex noises up? I've had enough _'AHHHHH MERRRRLLLIIINNN's'_

and _'FUUUCCCKKK MMEEEE'SS'_

to last a lifetime. It's one thing to have them say it once or twice: being dead silent is creepy. But 7 times is quite enough, thank you; we got the point.

Do you honestly think that their personalities would change when they got in the bedroom? Maybe a little, but nothing too drastic. I hate it when they come up with these ridiculous or overused names to call each other in bed. 'baby' jut sounds weird. _'suck me off, baby'_? See?

Dray, Harr, 'Ry, Drake: all overused. If you're not sure, just have them use their real names.

I know in my heart I should have a problem with the overuse of Harry's parseltounge abilities in sexual situations. But it gets me so damn hot that I just can't bring myself to outright complain. Don't tell Draco. He gets jealous easily.

I know I may just be a pussy, but I hate to see them get violent with each other. It kind of scares me. Sex is all about either love or lust. While I can understand that Harry and Draco fight, and it may pull over into other parts of their lives, fics with sexual violence have to be really good to get a review from me. The whole rape idea just freaks me out.

About rape. The theme of one of them getting raped over the Summer has been used more times than I can count on all of my fingers and toes. Don't bother writing it. We've seen it before. There's only so much needy!Harry or vulnerable!draco a slash fan can handle.

Thanks for your time. I take slash fics quite seriously; especially those of the Harry/Draco variety. I eagerly await the sex scenes that will be edited, written, and re-posted upon slash authors reading this letter.

Thank you,

Pansy Parkinson

P.S.: Will someone PLEASE figure out my sexual orientation? In half the fics I'm with Granger, the other half I'm with Blaise (But he nearly counts as a girl…) There are songs written about me and Draco… I'd really like to know soon. I'm severely lacking in sexual activity right now.

P.P.S.: **_I'm NOT the "Slytherin Slut"!

* * *

_**

A/N: hehe, It's Pansy! Let me know who you want next. Give me some time for Volide: that's a tough one.

TruestBlue


	8. Ginny

A/N: Last chapter, I forgot to give morbid.fairy.tale credit for some cheesy sex lines. There's a reviewer who gave me an idea for this, but I lost the e-mail. If it was you, contact me so I can give you credit.

* * *

Dear Rabid Slash Fans;

Apparently, the slash world thinks I'm a bitch. I would _not_ try to break up Draco and Harry. What's the point? I'm not Harry's thing unless I get a sex change. A lot of stories portray me as this… wanton whore. Fanfiction writers have had me with Ron, the twins, Harry, Hermione, Pansy, Draco, Blaise, Neville, various professors, Seamus, Dean, Voldie, Dumbledore, and original characters! Like I'm the slut of Gryffindor or something! Don't you dare compare me to Miss. Parkinson over in Slytherin, who we just KNOW is slutting around.

But about that list. My last mentioned was a pairing of me and an original character- 'OC'. There's nothing more irritating than a person who writes themselves into a story. They live out their fantasies of being immersed and accepted into Hogwart's culture through the stories. Trust me; it's not all it's cracked up to be. And it makes for some God-awful fanficitons.

Don't get me wrong: original characters can be really fun. Occasionally, there's a person that writes themselves in and it's still a good story. But there's nothing worse than heading for the HPDM, and finding Harry going down on a poorly-written stranger.

Some writers have picked up on the fact that people will not/ don't care to read a story about them. So they base the character off of themselves completely, and add a little 'HPOC' or 'DMHPOC'

"_Hahah!" the FF writers crow, with their sticky little fingers glazed over in 'cheeto' __cheese and Mt. Dew. "Haha! When I cleverly disguise myself with those little 'OC' letters, the Rabid Slash Fans will have ABSOLUTLEY NO IDEA that I'm talking about myself! Never mind that every detail and personality trait matches up to that of my own FF profile! Never mind that it's blaringly obvious! I wrote, 'OC' in the summary! I'm safe behind those letters and can expect hundreds of reviews!!!" _

Yeah-huh. Get a clue; lay off the Dew. (A/N: I'm Waaaaaay guilty of a diet Mt. Dew addiction!)

There's a-fucking-nother thing TruestBlue just so graciously reminded me of! Who puts an author's note right in the middle of a story? It kills the mood! It's like _'Draco was wearing a cobalt blue shirt the swayed with every curve of his body. (A/N: I have a shirt like that! I bought it at American Eagle!) He tugged at the bottom of the top with sweaty hands.(A/N: I do this when I'm nervous, so I made Draco do it…) Harry noted the contrast (A/N: I like that word!) between the pearly skin and the powerful….ect. _

Are the authors trying to reach some kind of word count? Do they really think the reader cares about the author's favorite words, where they bought their shirts, or their Diet Mt. Dew cravings? What a sad life Muggles lead.

Just one more thing before I'm off to charms. Figure out my bloody name! People use Virginia, Ginevera, Ginny, All of it. It's in the books, I swear. Work it out. And don't switch the names around every three minutes. You're giving me an identity crisis.

Yours,

Ginny Weasley

P.S.: I prefer Hermione. So in the immortal words of my brother; keep the femslash coming.

* * *

A/N: Yeah, not so great. But I'm running out of ideas and need y'all to give me some! See you next chapter.

TruestBlue


	9. Voldie

_Um. Hey Everyone. *Sheepish wave* I'm back. After three years. A recent review prompted me to write this latest chapter. So, off we go!_

_-TB_

Rabid "Slash" Fans,

The stories you write are ridiculous, implausible, disgustingly fluffy and fanciful. They're almost as revolting as the Boy Wonder himself. Frustrating and silly, they also parallel the Potter child in that I have become obsessed. I troll the Internet day and night, reading the most pornographic and saucy Harry/Draco stories available. That's kind of on the down-low, however. Gay sex scandals wouldn't aid my quest for lordship, don't you know.

Having said that, I've been thinking of several ideas. For your stories, that is. Just throwing them out in the open, seeing if there are any takers. For example; what if Potter and the Malfoy child were to attempt to bring me to their way of thinking… using some persuasion other than violence? What if things could be resolved peacefully?

Seriously, whatever happened to conflict resolution? As soon as I appear in a story, there are Avada's and Crucio's flying everywhere, no thought required. Has anyone ever tried to talk to me? No! It's always, _"Ugh, soul-splitting, evil!" _this and "_you-killed-my-parents and raped muggle children"_ that! No one bothers to ask my why, and no one cares about my feelings! Maybe I kill muggles for attention, ever thought of that? It's a cry for help! Every time I behead a Mudblood, I'm practically screaming, "I need affection!"

Honestly, I'm rather hurt. My portrayal in your stories is usually terrible one-sided and close-minded. I bring up some rather valid points, you know. It affects all of you slash fans, too! Depletion of the magic pool would lead to fewer wizards, which would lead to fewer opportunities for Potterverse slash. That, my dears, would be a terrible thing indeed.

If the Potter child and Malfoy boy were to simply talk to me, maybe things would be different. They could work out our differences, come to some agreements, change some wizarding laws, and restore peace to the community. We could even set up some town-hall debates. Or dinner parties! I do so love a good dinner party.

Malfoy and Potter should band together in your stories to end the war through discussion, compromise, and thoughtful argument. That is the truly heroic way to end conflict.

Also, I would not turn down a threesome.

-Tom "Voldie" Riddle


End file.
